Love Is An Art, Not A Science (And How To Be A Better Artist)

Having graduated with my degree in finance, I'm admittedly much better with numbers than I am with art. Even back when I was a violist in my high school orchestra, I was a functional note-player at best - definitely not an artist. 

Yet, just as we can't fit a 3-dimensional shape into a two-dimensional plane, we can't turn love into an equation. It won't work. That's like bad news for my fellow finance majors, but fortunately, there is one easy way to become a better artist, and you can do it today.

If you were like me in art class growing up, you looked forward to a mindless class period where you could just replicate whatever the teacher told you to do - whether it was painting, or drawing, or those weird paper mache things - and happily take your 'A.' Granted, your creation looked mediocre, but hey, it's art class. You deserved an A. 

Then there was that one kid that was actually talented. Everything they did looked like a masterpiece. For them, art wasn't a free period to goof off; it was a matter of heart and soul! 

Looking back, my art teachers never liked that kid. Probably because the kid was clearly much more talented comparatively, and as a result, felt less of a need to do things exactly as instructed. They gave themselves the liberty to create what they envisioned, even if it cost them some rapport with the teacher of a letter grade in the class. 

I'm no professional, but I think those kids were on to something - that one of the most important parts of being a great artist is to have freedom of expression. Without freedom of expression, they'd produce at a level far below their abilities, basing their creation off of the teacher's inferior model. And on the other hand, if the rest of us had been willing to risk crossing the line into free and unique expression, we, too, may have created something more beautiful than we thought possible. 

So, what does this have to do with love? Everything!

In the context of relationship, freedom of expression means spontaneity. The ability to go outside the lines, to do something new, to invent & create & envision. Recreating a piece of art that already exists is of some value, but it's the original that's priceless. Spontaneity, then, is the x-factor for cultivating deep love, and without it, we are by definition settling for a formulaic relationship.

Practically, this means that if we want rich love in our relationships, we can't have all of our free time planned and scheduled in advance. By fighting to keep free time unscheduled and open (and thus, you know, free), we make space for love to be cultivated and expressed freely. 

Now I'm a planner by personality, and I'm busy just like all of us are, so for me this is very much an intentional choice. But in spite of it feeling unnatural, spontaneous moments remain by far the most opportune times to grow deeply and quickly with someone. 

Remember - love and relationship is an art, not a science. It’s not a place of efficiency and productivity. It’s not a place to repeat the same cycle / agenda over and over. After all, no orchestra plays just one song forever! 

What are ways you've been able to keep spontaneity alive in your relationships?